Settling In

I'm trying, somewhat desperately (which should really be counterproductive, now I think on it), to find an even keel this morning.  Not with the day - it's been fine so far.  An even keel is essential for not imploding in this current environment of mine, of a sort that spans all of what it is to be me here.  That sounds overly dramatic.  :P  What I mean is that all this stress and the compound interest it creates, combined with the massive energy drain that is the MIL (she can't help it, but there it is), leaves very little room for calm.  As calm seems to be necessary to organized thought, and as I need organized thought by the barrel right now, it seems a good idea to try to calm the heck down.

I started today with a 20-minute relaxation meditation.  It ended up morphing into a visual relaxation exploration.  I'm okay with that.  Meditation is, by my definition, more for seeking guidance and answers and information.  For finding inner peace and growing as a person.  For all that I want and need those things, I realized about a minute into it that there can be no meditation with all the tension I'm carrying.  I feel like a taut wire, full of electricity, vibrating with the strain of staying still.  I need to...er...not be that.  I need to be a limp noodle in order to properly meditate, if such a state is possible for me.  It is for others, but...yeah.  I've never been able to manage it.  Maybe I just need a good massage?

Anyway, that's what my next week or so is going to be devoted to.  We're playing a waiting game this week, possibly through to the beginning of next.  That's a perfect time to find that even keel so that I can apply a sturdy rudder to the raging river of life.  (What fun! :D)

My relaxation visualization showed me that A) my body is desperate for good, productive use.  It went through about two weeks of *hard* use, and now it's stiff and sore and achy.  My muscles need to be exercised cleanly.  (Not only for my body, but exercise is also my primary way to expel tension, so there's that, too.)  And B) I need to work on self-belief.  That's really more of a meditation byproduct usually, but I realized just how much of this tension is from the fear of screwing up.  I really need to boost my faith in my own legitimacy, and my own abilities.

My ultimate goal is to find direction for myself, here in this new life space.  It's driving me crazy not having one.  So I suppose perhaps I should make my direction, for the moment, one of finding calm and self-belief again.  I can't work on anything else until I have a least a modicum of that, so I suppose that works...