End of October

How is it Halloween tomorrow??  We were thinking about carving pumpkins, but it didn't happen.  Carving is a bittersweet thing for me.  I think I've only done it once, maybe twice since my grandfather died eleven years ago.  It was so much a tradition attached to him, I couldn't bring myself to override the memories with new ones.  I will happily do so when the berrykin is bigger, but...it's still going to be hard.  Just thinking about it makes me want to cry.  I miss my grandfather.  Halloween must be why I dreamt about my grandparents the other night.  They're on my mind, even when I don't realize it.

Halloween is also making me feel like an inadequate mommy.  This is Berrykin's third Halloween.  I put him in a Halloween footie the the first year, and last year did nothing.  This year, also nothing.  I was hoping to make him a costume, but then we moved.  My momberry considered making one for him, but other aspects of her life got in the way.  Fabric can be pretty expensive, too, so I'm not upset with her.  I'm just sad that I've failed to do more for him.  I know he doesn't know the difference, and that next year will be the time to start traditions, but I still feel like I'm not doing enough.  It's really more a matter of "keeping up with the Joneses" than it is about how I feel and what I want to do, and I think that bugs me more than the rest of it.

Other things...

That secret thing we were waiting for finally gave us an answer, and it wasn't the one we wanted.  Jeremelon was waiting to hear on a job.  He had two interviews, and was essentially perfect for it.  My guess is, they went with someone who had actual theatre experience, rather than *movie* theatre experience.  It's a pretty massive bummer.  I really thought he'd get it.  Intuition pointed that way.  Which means there's something that hasn't happened yet to come out of it or take away from it.  Don't know what that'll be...if I did, I could call my intuition seeing the future. :)

I don't have the faintest idea what we'll do now, instead.  He has the job he started a few days ago, but it's apparently a very slow year and they're not sure how much work they'll have for him.  He probably won't have a job after the start of the new year, and that's so not what we were aiming for.  I still can't get an interview.  I don't know where else to look or what else to try.  Really, I'd like to learn new skills and enter a different career track.  But what should that be?  I can't even tell where interest becomes a more solid thing than "passing" anymore.  I'd made plans, knew what I was doing, but now that the hoped for outcome fell through, none of them seem viable anymore.

It's been a really sucky three days, all things told.

And now I'm going to go sulk so I can get all this frustration out.  Then, hopefully, I'll have a clear enough head to figure out better options.