Nap Hell

Life has gotten so complicated, and yet simultaneously so empty.  The fear that Jeremelon's new job wouldn't end up giving him the overtime we were hoping for is gone.  He's on track to working every day between Thanksgiving and Christmas, which will be nice for paying off the debt collectors that have started swarming again.  Amazon has a warehouse in the area, so I'm looking into working there for the holidays.  They pay well.  I'm hoping to get to gift wrap all day.  That was always one of my very favorite holiday things.  I was good at it and never complained, so both of my parents often "let" me wrap up all the presents...except my own, of course.  So I got to see what everybody else was getting before they did.  And call me a weirdy Virgo if you want, but I actually enjoy wrapping gifts.  So to get paid for it would be a nice thing, indeed!  And a paycheck, even for six weeks, would be most helpful.  I'll never get to see the Jeremelon, but there's a good chance I wouldn't see him, anyway. Besides, I either get a job, or go visit my mom in California.

Today, I spent two and a half hours fighting the Berrykin over naptime.  Not fighting, really.  He's stopped fighting.  Now, he wants the alone time.  He likes it.  So he'll sit on his bed and pretend to talk on the phone that is his hand.  Or he'll make a game of throwing all the covers and pillows on the floor and then getting down and putting them back up so he can do it again.  Or he jumps off the bed.  Or he sits in front of the mirrored closet door but under the blanket we have hanging over it, talking at himself.  Or he'll sit in there and read.  Anything except nap.  So I do nothing for two and a half hours but tell him to get back in bed.  And listen for when he's out of bed.  And heft him back there when he won't go for himself.  It doesn't sound exhausting, and yet it so is.  Some days he doesn't nap.  Today, I finally got him to sleep.  And now I'm so braindead, I don't want to do anything.  Add to that my problem with going to bed myself at a decent hour because I finally have the apartment to myself and I can just sit and enjoy the calm, and I feel like I never wake up.

I decided to watch Grey's Anatomy over from the beginning again.  Jeremelon keeps saying, "I think it's strange you like that show so much."  Except I don't.  Not really.  It's silly.  But it reminds me of my sister, and I miss her.  I miss the hours we spent while I was pregnant when she finally got me to watch it with her.  Except it's also a really tense show.  Stressful, especially if you stop for the night in the middle of a multi-episode story arc.  I also watched it in the hospital while suffering from my post-cesarean uterine infection.  I didn't realize how much it was triggering my PTSD stress until just now, but I can't listen to the intro song without freaking out on a visceral level.  I'm thinking it must be combining with the household stress plus the financial worries plus the future uncertainties plus the braindeadedness plus the lack of good sleep in a very bad way.  I had a panic attack the night before last that was worse than any I have had since before Berrykin.  Since I had to take drugs to get over them.  It was bad.  They feed on themselves, too.  So I had the initial horror time wherein I was convinced I was having a heart attack and on my way to dying (literally, without sarcasm, because that's what true medical panic attacks do).  Then, knowing that I had a panic attack, part of my brain is always on the lookout for symptoms that might signal a panic attack is imminent.  Except that watching for symptoms will often *cause* symptoms.  I had them for long enough and got good enough (with Jeremelon's help) to know how to deal with them now, thankfully.  Last night was better.  I didn't have to wake Jeremelon up to rub my back for an hour until I could fall back asleep so I could be sure I wouldn't die since he was there to pay attention.  It wasn't easy falling asleep last night, but it happened without major incident.

Ah, the stress.  Really, the best way to manage panic attacks is to either reduce the causative stress or increase positive processing/release.  Since most of my causative stress is outside my control, that leaves me with improving my release and processing mechanisms.  I spent some of my writing money for the first time.  (I love being able to say I have money made from writing to spend!)  It's a secret what I spent it on, at least for now, and I'm hoping I get to use it soon.  It's something I can do outside the house, on my own, and get back in my body, out of my head, and hopefully burn off some of the stress.  (And pounds.  I would love to burn off the pounds, too...)  I've also officially banned myself from caffeine until I'm in a better place emotionally.  Caffeine is killer for panic attacks.  Once I start using what I bought, I will also be swearing off sugar again until the end of the year.  I'd do it now, but the hormones are making everything so much worse!  I think my thyroid might be going through a stress cycle right now (also adds to panic attacks), whether it's growing new lumps or swelling or what - I don't know what it's doing, but I know it's sore, and I know I'm extra cranky, hot, and my heart rate is up, all of which can be caused by a hyperthyroid phase.  Which hopefully means that if I exercise now, I can take advantage of a crappy situation to burn more calories doing the same amount of work...hopefully...

Anybody have good comedies or fun, less-tense dramatic shows they enjoy?  Things I can watch a lot of on Netflix.  I have a LOT of time to kill, and not a lot of brain cells to use for it...